Fashionista Fitness

If you are a new reader, back in January, I decided to write a monthly post chronicling my goals, trials and triumphs. You can catch up on my older posts here. I am so excited to share my journey with you!

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I just finished my FORTY SEVENTH week of consistently working out and eating correctly. There are five weeks left in the year and in chronicling my journey. I am blown away at how fast this year has gone. 

I think that it is time that I pour out my heart.
I want you to know how I am driven by my fears, how hard this process has been, the way I see myself when I look in the mirror or at pictures and truly what I have learned. While I still have not reached my "goal" nor do I think that my journey is complete, I think that reflection and recognition are an important part in reaching the next level.

My Fears
I have been taught that it is not healthy to be led by or to live in fear, and I wholeheartedly agree with that. Living in fear is letting the "what ifs", "coulda, shoulda, woulda" and "impossible" take control which is debilitating.  When I say that I am driven by my fear, I think that I am talking about overcoming the bad to let the good prevail. I am FRIGHTENED to gain the weight back. I do not ever want to be that person again. That fear is what motivates me when I feel like I have nothing left to give, when I have to dig deep just to do 30 minutes of cardio. 

Unfortunately, I also have some irrational fears that I am trying to conquer and smash! 

• I am afraid to ever get pregnant, yet I want a kid. I do not want my body to go through that process, I don't want to blow up and I truly feel like I will gain so much weight. 
• I am afraid that I will never lose the last 15-20 pounds. 
• I am fearful that I don't have it in me to buckle down and cut everything to hit the weight that I want to be at. 
• I am scared that I will always have to work out this much, eat this clean and never get to indulge again. 
• I am afraid that people only tell me I look good or that it looks like I have lost weight because I have been so vocal on this journey.   
• I fear that when people look at me they think that I have been lying about my diet and exercise regimen because I don't feel like my weight loss is representative to how hard I have been working.  

I think this gives you a light peak into what a mental battle I have been fighting along with the physical battle. I am working on silencing these demons every day. Deep down I know that I am strong enough to fight or I would have given up by now. I am just so thankful that I was READY to take this journey head on back at the end of 2011. AND I have had incredible support from everyone from  my family and friends to the Internet/blog/Instagram world. It has been amazing and overwhelming!

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The Process

I feel like this process has had the highest of highs and lowest of lows. The first six months were the easiest. Seeing the changes and weight loss week after week was encouraging. Hitting goals like the first 30 pounds, running my first 5K and having a consistent work out schedule really kept me in line and helped me keep a positive perspective. Then I decided to start dating again, I had my Summer of Fun traveling every weekend, attending concerts and not saying NO to any opportunity that came my way. Living life to the fullest led to a very challenging schedule. Trying to fit everything in, eat the correct way and maintain the intensity was TOUGH. I was proud that I was able to maintain my weight through a couple months where drinking happened quite frequently. I still find the balance to be difficult. Then after a frustrating month in the gym I decided to alter my already good diet to a Gluten Free diet. That change was relatively easy yet that month was the hardest month I had getting to the gym. No motivation, lost mojo and quite emotional. The last two months have literally been the hardest. I am still working through the reasoning on why I have struggled so much during this time. I am hoping that I am over the hump. I am always trying to find new workouts, reach out for support and change up my routine to get out of funks and push through. But I want you all to know, that while I choose to talk about and focus on the positive (I believe in what I speak out being truth), I still have my bad/tough/sad/disappointing times. I think everyone does when they take on themselves!

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Looking in the mirror and at pictures

   When I look in the mirror I still see the fat girl. I see every bump, lump and roll that should not be there. I see a double chin, round cheeks and a protruding belly. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW that my body has changed significantly but I have a hard time SEEING it. When I look at pictures I analyze everything (which sucks when you take pics of yourself daily for your blog). I also still feel like I look 10x bigger than anyone I take a picture with. It is crazy to me that your brain takes so long to catch on to the changes. I never realized how powerful the mental side of this really is. In a lot of ways, I blame it on my YEARS of working in the Fashion Industry, I still focus so much on the numbers. How much I weigh, what size clothing I am wearing and the pounds and inches lost really take over my thoughts when they shouldn't be. I am healthy, I am fit and I am changing my body. Those things should matter more.

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What I Have Learned thus Far

• DO ANYTHING you can to love yourself, the transformation starts from the inside out and you have to love yourself first!
• NO ONE can do this for you, no one. You can have all of the support in the world but if YOU don't want it bad enough it will never happen.
• It isn't going to be easy, you will want to quit all of the time and you may hit more plateaus than you thought possible. PUSH through.
• So many people want to see you succeed. It is truly motivating, inspiring and humbling. So many people I had not talked to in YEARS have written to me, reached out to me via social media or called to encourage me and let me know that I was inspiring them. Best. Feeling. Ever.
• You need JUST ONE person that you can turn to through the good AND the bad. For me that person has been my trainer. Jonathan is so much more than my trainer; he is my friend, my confidant and my motivator. I can tell him anything, even the REALLY stupid/awkward things, and he talks me through it.
• This isn't a diet. It is not a fleeting fancy. This is my life. This is my future. I cannot go back to my old ways and I did mourn them! I committed to a lifestyle change. And it is a commitment that I don't intend to break.
• You cannot cheat and expect results. I know that sounds simple but when you have lived a certain way for a long time you bring those old habits with you. Every little bit DOES count. Don't fool yourself that 100 calories here and there won't make a difference. They do. And skipping one workout a week means (for me at least) 800-1000 extra calories NOT burned. That is almost 1/3 of a pound loss missed out on.
• Write, Journal, Blog. Keep track of your goals, accomplishments and thoughts through out the process. You learn so much from looking back on where you started and how much you have changed and overcome.
• You can do anything you put your mind to. I have always believed this phrase was true for everything EXCEPT weight loss. Haha. I thought that I was "trying" in the past. I wasn't. Once I was ready and in the right mindset I was able to begin accomplishing my goals.
• You have to be all in, balls to the wall, 100% ready to make a change. 
• My mind and my thoughts are my biggest stumbling block. No one else. I cannot believe how MEAN to myself I am. It is sad. I would never treat or talk to someone else the way I do to myself. It is weirdly a motivator but more of an eye opener as to where my self esteem REALLY is at.

Well my friends, THANK you for reading such a long post!

I really hope that any of you on your own journey learn something from all of this, feel a little less alone and know that I understand.

Results:

I am still sitting pretty at about a 38 pound loss. 

I have been Gluten Free since October 1st (more on that next month).

I continue to buy smaller sizes in clothing

Goals:

Make it through the holidays :)

End the year at a solid 40 pound weight loss!

As always, I leave you with work out humor.... I LOVE to laugh!

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